Can't Even Fit In on Halloween

Halloween is two weeks away. I'm sure you already knew that because, well, every store in the country has had masks and bags of far-too-easy-to-inhale funsize candy bars as soon as you walk in since the end of September. I think Halloween candy should be illegal to buy until the night before Halloween because, you know and I know, you're going to buy a few bags of little treats for the kids a week early under the false pretense of being prepared and it will never see the light of the jack-o-lantern. You should probably be ashamed of yourself, but I won't pass judgment because I just ate four Oreos with DQ Blizzard cream in the middle. (Yes, they make those. And yes, they are impossible to ignore. And no, I'm not sorry that I mentioned them and now you're going to go out and buy some and eat them all. If I have to suffer through this entire bag of deliciously evil chocolate sandwich cookies then so should you).

I love Halloween for two reasons. First, it's my mom's birthday (hi, mom!) and I like her a lot. Always have. Secondly, I really enjoy dressing up. I've only bought one costume that I can remember, and that was about four years ago when I was having a less-than-creative time in my life. Other than that, I've always been a DIY kind of girl. I don't do the "sexy" dress up costume stuff that seems to be the only kind of costumes they sell for women now. I mean, you can be a slut 365 days a year...why make Halloween just another hoochie day? Last year I made about 30 T-bone and ribeye steaks and strips of bacon out of red, brown, and white felt and made myself a meat dress, ala Lady Gaga. I went to a party and sadly no one had any idea who I was supposed to be...or even who I was. I guess that's what I get for going to a party in which I only knew two people. I thought it was clever (or cleaver?). I guess true artists like myself and Gaga just aren't fully appreciated in our time. Or I went to unimaginative party where a guy who bought his costume at the store won the prize for best costume, and that was my mistake.

A meaty costume you could really sink your teeth into.

The year before last, I went to what I thought was supposed to be a zombie-themed party at Alex's Bar in Long Beach. I was pumped. I decided to pull out all my crafty ability and make a zombie costume to end all other zombie costumes. I ran into two problems: once the costume was on, no one knew who I was, and all the other people at the bar disregarded the zombie theme. So, again, I just looked like some weirdo outcast...which happens on most days, not just Halloween. Anyway, I bought a foam bed pad, lots of felt (I do love me some felt) and some paint. I turned myself into ZombieBob DeadPants. I went to the bar full of WonderWomen and Sexy Kittens and walked sideways (I was too wide to fit through the aisle head-on) to the bar. I dug out as much cash from inside of my costume pocket as I could and told the bartender it was going to be a long, sweaty night for me and to keep the Captain Morgan and Coke coming. I had entire conversations with friends despite the fact they had no idea who I was. None. I stood outside on the sidewalk trying to cool down (it's so hot inside foam and felt) and got egged by a passing vehicle full of hooligans. I scared adults. I was a foam abomination, and I won no contests that night. Other than the "Who's the Weirdo  Dressed Up Like a Moldy Piece of Cheese?" Award, which they don't hand out prizes for FYI. But despite all that, I had plenty of fun.

I did not lay that egg.

Emily was Princess Leia (so adorable) and then there was me...with foam brains poking out of my costume.

I've even gone as far as dressing my car up in the past. My old Scion xB was a toaster on wheels, so for Halloween two years in a row I dressed it up quite literally as a toaster. On wheels.

Toast is ready! I parked in the handicapped spot...no one argued.

Light and Dark on the back window, so when I turned on the wiper blade it went between the two settings.

The following year, we stepped it up to Pop Tarts (frosted strawberry, of course).

With Halloween looming in the near distance, I haven't had much energy to think or work on a costume this year. First of all, I have no where to go anyway. Secondly, I am a hundred months pregnant (at least it feels that way), so my only real options are to either dress up as a beached whale or a penguin (I figure I have the waddle down, I might as well use it). Maybe inspiration will strike me a day before Halloween, when I'm good and hopped up on those funsize candy bars, and I'll get the energy to make a costume. I can roam the streets of the neighborhood and scare the children with my girth! That actually sounds like fun now...I should go buy some felt.