Dear....

Dear Old Man Sitting in the Coffee Shop Holding His Cell Phone to His Ear,

You do know that your phone is switched to speakerphone, don't you? You don't have to hold it up to your ear like that. I am 60 feet away and can understand everything that woman is saying. Either switch it off speakerphone, or have a more interesting conversation. Please.

Thanks,
The rest of the patrons at the Barnes and Noble cafe



Dear Phoenix,

How about you work on looking like the part of Arizona that I drove through yesterday? You know, mountains and trees and beautiful scenery. That would be great. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Regards,
Midwesterner who loves the color green



Dear Bank of America Account Notifications,

Yes, I do realize I have a low balance. Every time I spend $5 you rub it in that it's getting lower. Just because I have a low account balance doesn't give you the right to lower my self esteem every 4-6 hours. Let's just agree that my wealth accumulation will be below an acceptable level for a while, okay?

Thanks,
Buying one cup of coffee isn't going to overdraw my account. I hope.



Dear Blueberry,

I know quarters are getting cramped, but let's be clear on one thing: My liver, ribs and kidneys were there first. They'll make room for you, but you don't have to be so pushy. Good thing I already know you're cute, otherwise this behavior would be labeled "questionable" at best.

Sincerely,
Owner of said organs



Dear Politicians,

I have a novel idea. It's called common sense. Can we ditch all this party line crap and do something decent on the first try without all the posturing and B.S.? You just wasted a whole bunch of time to do something that's not that difficult. I'm looking at all of you, so don't start pointing fingers.

Suck it up,
A former tax payer



Dear Hips,

You think yoga is tough? You're in for a rude awakening at the end of the November. Let's work on being more flexible, shall we?

Much appreciated,
Soon-to-be mommy