Mud Pie with a Side of Gluttony

By request, I am posting the recipe I sent to Nikki a month ago (with a few tweaks for fun). She thinks I should share it with the world, and who am I to argue? 

So, here's how I do my mud pie:

Buy an Oreo pie crust from the store.

Then go to the dangerous and full-of-temptation ice cream section and get a pint of coffee-flavored ice cream. Just one. Don't look at the new Ben and Jerry's selections. No good will come of it.

Okay, coffee ice cream has been collected. Does your basket look empty? It does. Go ahead and cure that by stuffing a jar or hot fudge in there, maybe some slivered almonds, and if you're really frisky, some carmel sauce, too. Did I mention Cool Whip? I didn't, but I should've. Get some.

Now go home and put all the ingredients on the kitchen counter and stand there with a big soup spoon. Eat it all before anyone knows that good stuff is in the house. I'd say sit at the kitchen table and eat it, but you don't deserve to sit down due to your utter lack of self control.

Tomorrow, with guilt and a sugar buzz to beat hell, slink back to the store and buy all that shit again. Pray that you don't get the same cashier as you had yesterday. If you do, look ashamed and hope she believes it.

Okay, once you've collected the goods AGAIN, don't eat it all tonight when you get home. PROMISE ME YOU WON'T EAT IT ALL! Now, you need the ice cream to soften up. Leave it on the counter for a while. MY GOD, STEP AWAY FROM THE SOUP SPOONS. You don't want the ice cream to get soupy, but it needs to be pliable. Act like knowing the meaning of "pliable" can erase the guilt of eating all that junk last night.

Once the ice cream has softened, spoon it into the pie crust. The ratio is three scoops into the pie crust tin, one in your face....you glutton. Once you've filled the crust with ice cream, you can, if you so choose, sprinkle it with almonds. Put that bitch back in the freezer to harden. Leave it there. No, don't go look at it. It's going to take a while to harden up, probably overnight. Just quit thinking about it.

The next day, if it's still in the freezer, congratulations, you're not a complete jerk. You may now slice up the pie. I hope for your sake you have told other people about this pie in the freezer to keep you honest...and fitting into your pants. Put a slice on a plate. Put the hot fudge in the microwave and make it hot (it's in the name, so it's meant to be). Pour hot fudge on that slice. DON'T POUR IT ON THE WHOLE PIE. JEEZ, YOU HAVE NO DIGNITY, DO YOU? Now you may pour caramel on your slice. Then comes the Cool Whip. Make it look like a sugar coma on a plate just waiting to happen. I won't judge you. Except I totally will. And I am.

Enjoy it. Lick the plate clean, you Fatty McFatterson.